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Sunday, 2 March 2008
The Sunday Best...
Prince Harry calls on Jamie Oliver to sort out Army's 'miserable' rations. Sod Jamie Oliver get Delia on the job.
Prince Harry: The Army post is pants - I was miffed when dad's Christmas card got here in February. Will the government take notice of what he says. No chance. The military need more of everything and hopefully Harry can get things moving. He should write a shopping list for our boys and see that it is filled.
PM offers key job to banker who didn't notice that her secretary had stolen £1m. Considering how must money Gordon Brown has 'lost' she sounds perfect for the job.
21 companies paid £2.7m to run secret limousines for Ministers. Let the bastards walk.
'9/11 attacks made up, ' says French best actress Oscar-winner. That's one way to destroy your career. Stupid bitch.
Britain has lost its way, says Archbishop. Lost is a bloody understatement.
Iran dissident defies jail fighting for equality. A brave woman.
Russia prepares to elect Dmitry Medvedev. The same way we 'elected' Brown.
Planeloads of cash prop up Mugabe. Will someone kindly shoot the bastard.
American jails hold quarter of world’s inmates. I am glad someone still locks up their criminals.
Bleep off, you’re driving me mad. Clarkypoos on modern technology andLook, you traffic wombles, I’ve had enough. the chaos that are roads have become.
99 Words For Boobs....absolutely brilliant video. Great song too.
You must watch this.
99 Words For Boobs - Watch more free videos
A parable of modern times....
In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The British Government beat me to it."
H/T Will Likka
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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, " Check for squirrel and centepedes."
H/T 45 Govt
Saturday, 1 March 2008
A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT BY SEN. BARACK OBAMA (D- ILL)
My fellow Identity-Americans.
As your future President I want to thank my supporters, for their... well, support.
Your mindless support of me, despite my complete lack of any legislative achievement, my pastor's relations with Louis Farrakhan and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi, or my blatantly leftist voting record while I present myself as some sort of bi-partisan agent of change.
I also like how my supporters claim my youthful drug use and criminal behavior somehow qualifies me for the Presidency after 8 years of claiming Bush's youthful drinking disqualifies him. Your hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over a sea of political posing.
I would also like to thank the Kennedy's for coming out in support of me. There's a lot of glamour behind the Kennedy name, even though JFK started the Vietnam War, his brother Robert illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King, Jr. and Teddy (currently the Senate drunk) caused the death of a young staff member by drowning. And I'm not going anywhere near the cousins, both literally and figuratively.
And I'd like to thank Oprah Winfrey for her support. Her love of meaningless empty platitudes will be the force that propels me to the White House.
Americans should vote for me, not because of my lack of experience or achievement, but because I make people feel good. Voting for me causes some white folk to feel relieved of their imagined, racist guilt.
I say things that sound meaningful, but don't really mean anything because Americans are tired of things having meaning. If things have meaning, then that means you have to think about them.
Americans are tired of thinking.
It's time to shut down the brain, and open up the heart.
So when you go to vote, remember don't think, just do.
And do it for me.
Thank You.
H/Ts Shelly and Jackie Gedling
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News...
Harry the No 1 terror target as Al Qaeda threatens to take revenge for 'royal aggression against Muslims'. Looks like some Islamo-assholes may heading our way.
Backlash against Channel 4 newsreader Jon Snow who praised Drudge website for blowing Harry's cover. Just remember this is the prick who refused to wear a poppy on air.
Israeli minister threatens to unleash a 'holocaust' on Palestinians. You can add Hezbollah to the target list as well.
Budget 'to target middle class wine drinkers'. The final nail in Darling's coffin.
Has Russia got a new Stalin? Yep..
US concern over Pakistan deal with militants. We need to take away their nukes.
James May: Saving the planet is easy as pie
The Army wife who faces deportation. A bloody disgrace.
This blogs best friends in Feb...
Maggie's Farm. My country cousins.
Jules Crittenden. The master, 'heralding' from Boston.
Grouchy Old Cripple. Atlanta's boob master.
Neptunus Lex. Lighting up the world.
The Renittance Man. Topically tottficatious.
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
‘Please allow me to help I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked,’How does that feel’?
He replied: ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.’
H/T Pete Hurrell
Friday, 29 February 2008
The whole Harry thing....
...while I don't think Matt Drudge should have 'broken' the Prince Harry story it is not as if it wasn't already out there. It is just that nobody took notice when it appeared in mid Jan. If Drudge hadn't posted it, the 'leaker' would have found somebody else to do it. He cannot be blamed for what he did, had it been sent to me I would have phoned Clarence House and warned them that it was being leaked and then asked their permission to post it. Whoever leaked the story (think British gov or media) wanted it out there for some reason and once the decision had been made it was going to appear no matter what. Hats off to Harry for doing his duty as the Royals have been doing for centuries. Maybe now the rest of the British population will think about putting Queen and Country before personal gain.
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Funnies....
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
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What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
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What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
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Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
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Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
H/T Jeffrey Nihart
LOVE IN THE LATER YEARS
One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
" Why are you stopping"? she whispered.
He whispered back, " I found the remote".
H/T Mr Bingley
From the NY Times (yes, that NY Times) quoting Penn Jillette:
"Obama is just creaming Hillary. You know, all these primaries, you know. And Hillary says it's not fair, because they're being held in February, and February is Black History Month. And unfortunately for Hillary, there's no White Bitch Month."
H/T Shelly
URGENT - GRIMSBY EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
AT 01.00 ON WEDNESDAY 27 FEBRUARY 2008 A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE HIT MEASURING 5.1 ON
THE RICHTER SCALE EPICENTERED ON GRIMSBY.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of damage, with the exception of the Docks area, where approx. £375,000 of improvements were
made. Untold disruption and distress was caused. Many were woken well before
their giro arrived. Several priceless collections of mementos from the
Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged.
Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was
such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as
normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Buckfast Tonic Wine to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are stillsearching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personalbelongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought
after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
H/T Scarycat and Pete Hurrell
A little news....
If Europe Could Vote. And thank God they can't.
Hospital superbug deaths rise 72 per cent in just one year, killing 6,500. NHS- National Homicide Service. No wonder someone leaked the Harry story.
Terrorist suspects must stay in Britain in case they are tortured at home, say human rights judges. Deport them now and the bloody judges. We could always 'torture' them here.
A fifth of your council tax is paying for 'gold plated' pensions at the town hall. The useless buggers don't deserve pensions.
Italian court outlaws touching of genitals. There goes one of lifes last pleasures!!!
Postmistress fights off armed robbers with a can of Oust air freshener. Good girl!
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