Friday, 14 March 2008
This is a genuine email to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.
This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.
This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant ???????
......................................................
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ?
Community Beat Officer.
.......................................................
Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen you.
Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?
It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance - as is the bottom of the Par Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on
Regards
?
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with who I am also in contact!!
Regards
H/T Liz B
News...
Tax rises: You ain't seen nothing yet! Darling 'will have to put up income tax by 3p after next election'. No he won't 'cos he will not be chancellor after the next election.
Jack Straw apologises after 200 Muslim prisoners are given ham sandwiches during Ramadan. Best meal they had all year!!
Dodgy data: Millions put at risk from faulty Government ID records. That's why I try not to tell the Government anything.
British shire horse faces extinction thanks to invasion by its French cousin. Save our Shires.
Budget 2008: Higher tax for 9 in 10 drivers. Vintage car sales are about to boom again! Any car built (as opposed to registered) prior to Jan 1 1973 qualifies to be a Historic car in the eyes of DVLA.
Ed Balls 'tried to bury schools bad news'. Just like his master!
Young bloggers hold key as Iran goes to polls. In Iran the pen is not mightier than the sword. Regime change is going to require a bucketload of bloodshed.
Climate change special: £5,000 off a Range Rover. If you want to cut emissions, cut the number of people. Who is going to miss the liberals?
Gold soars as panicking investors seek safety. Be good news if that twat Brown hadn't given all ours away! He should be made to make up the difference out of his own pocket.
A Blonde, recently hired, began her first day at the office this morning.
Hoping to integrate well into the office environment and eager to prove
her worth to her new bosses, she offered to go out and buy coffee for everyone.
She grabbed a large thermos and hurried to the nearby Tim Hortons.
She held up the thermos so that the server behind the counter could view it
and she asked, "Is this thermos big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"
The server looked at the container and said, "Yes. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!", the blonde sighed in relief, "Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf."
H/T Pete Hurrell
US Marines 3/7 Kilo engage insurgents hiding in a building in Ramadi -Iraq
I love the countdown bit...
H/T Mark Scott
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20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity...
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'
12. Sing Along At The Opera
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity is to keep thinking like you think.
...or you could just start a blog!!!
H/T Jackie Gedling
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Thursday, 13 March 2008
Gun Wisdom
Rules:
1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a .45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a .46.'
6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady com mented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'
8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!
H/T Jackie Gedling
Through the Looking Glass
U.S. Army Pfc. John Henry, assigned to a military transition team with the 3rd Infantry Division, is seen reflected in a truck’s mirror while taking a break from patrolling in Ali Shaheen, Iraq, March 7, 2008. U.S. Army photo by Sgt. Timothy Kingston
H/T Mark Scott
A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?
Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
H/T 45 Govt
Father Murphy...
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
H/T Canis 61
What would we do without blondes..
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..."
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
If you're not sure what a 710 is CLICK HERE
H/T Don Emslie
Tuscan Tony: This Buds for you!!!!
You can visit with Tony HERE
Coleslaw Wrestling....only in America!!
News...
Alistair Darling's strike against the family motorist. Labour hate families there again we all hate Labour and they will soon be history.
Reformers purged as Iranians go to polls. Someone needs to put a match to their oil refineries. Let's see how long the Mullahs last when the people have no petrol.
Tiger numbers have halved in last 25 years. I blame the Chinese.
Tibet's anti-China protest monks gassed. Bloody Chinese again.
Woman stuck after two years on toilet. What was she reading? War and Peace!!
Magna Carta what? English charter 'a mystery to 45pc of population'. The Government would rather we did not know our historic rights. Actually I have read the thing and it's still a bloody mystery.
Prostitute behind Spitzer sex scandal revealed. I wonder if she does 'charity work'.
German officers guilty of abusing recruits. The Taleban are safe from the Germans but not their own troops.
Bombed cadet has blindness payout halved - because he had already lost an eye to cancer. Time for the Whitehall pricks in grey suits to take a holiday, permanently.
Lil' Billy has it too....
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say, Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replied, 'My Son, it's caused by: loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned', then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized,
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
H/T Ted Foster
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FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY. Part 3
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" N IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
H/T Casasquirrels
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
Is this for real or a mockup?
What about a minigun on a landrover! I have always thought that mounting a GAU8 Avenger cannon onto a Bradley or Warrior would liven things up a bit.
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