The election day is over,
The talking is done.
My party lost,
Your party won.
So let us be friends,
Let arguments pass.
I’ll hug my elephant,
You kiss your ass.
H/T DML
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
No Hard Feelings.
Tuesday, 18 November 2008
Pilot conversations...
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
======================================================
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa: "Groundcontrol, wie spät können wir los?"
Ground: "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa: "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
H/T Herve
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Light News...
Celebrities join BBC backlash after Brand and Ross scandal as more and more ask 'why SHOULD we pay licence fee'? The TV licence must go. 10% of what the BBC produces is worldbeating, the rest is garbage.
Foreign Secretary Miliband set to meet Syrian President. 'Boy Assad' meets 'Boy Blunder'. Sucking up to the Syrians will get us nowhere.
Somali pirates open talks for release of hostage crew on oil tanker Sirius Star. If we do not sweep these piratical scum from the seas hijackings will become widespread as our enemies will know we have lost our 'balls.'
Navies consider their response to hijacking of Sirius Star off Somalia. Take out their home ports.
Million violent crimes a year, but fewer than half are solved. Just what do the police do all day?
Convoy brings winter relief to Nato forces. Good. Our troops need all the kit they can get.
Hugo Chavez faces toughest political test ... against his ex-wife. Let's hope she kicks his butt.
A Few Thoughts....
I had amnesia once - or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible .. And I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look
Like a nail.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
H/T Don Emslie
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Monday, 17 November 2008
Late News...
Computer virus attacks 'to peak next Monday'. So what are they doing Sunday?
Islamic Theologian's Theory: It's Likely the Prophet Muhammad Never Existed. I could have told you that. Mohammad was a dodgy carpet dealer in Cairo who ripped off the Old Testament and conned a bunch of camel shaggers.
Fan bids £1m for baby Beckham house. There's one born every minute!
Homeless statue travels first class. Only in Britain!
Pirates take over oil tanker with British crew on board. That's why we ave the SBS. We also need to track the pirates/terrorists to there home port and MOAB it.
There's some willy waving going on here....
Oswald Bastable and our very own Thomas Harris are comparing their 'weapons'. To be honest I am jealous. Some numbnuts politician banned us from having such toys a while back. Hell we invented the 2nd amendment and we can no longer live under it.
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Light News...
The liberals who did so much to destroy the family must share the blame for Baby P...Melanie Phillips on form.
France flies its Afghan migrants home...and UK taxpayers pick up the bill because 'they were trying to reach Britain'. WTF!!
The perils ahead..by Caroline Glick. Looks like Obama may be siding with Hamas.
Tories to make it harder to divorce. Good. Marriage has become 'something to do before you are 40' bit like bungy jumping. A couple of years of playing Mr & Mrs and then a quickie divorce. It doesn't help that celebrities treat marriage like a PR stunt.
The world has never seen such freezing heat. This global warming is bloody chilly.
Russia's crumbling economy provides stiffest test yet for autocratic leader. Expect to see the Russian military popping up all over the place. Cuba and Venezuela for starters. Playing global mind games keeps the Russian peoples patriotism flourishing and their minds off their problems at home.
Gap between China's rich and poor 'threatening economy '. And stability. The poor rural peasantry are getting antsi!
Kenyan police units ‘murder hundreds’. African democracy true to form.
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Sunday, 16 November 2008
Quote of the Day...
'Baby P cannot be identified. Baby P is dead. Give this little boy one last piece of humanity and call him by his name. If Councils cannot afford to care for our children, then how do they afford to pay for homosexual rights, lesbian awareness, Bangladeshi rooms, multi-lingual publications, three monthly broadsheets that are never read, staff that contribute nothing to society as a whole and the Borough in particular and a myriad of other worthless cost beside???? '
H/T Stephen F
The Ultimate Back Seat........
...I doubt if there is a true Englishman who wouldn't give anything to ride in this beauty. The only thing better would be to be in the front seat.
The Top Gear Boys even managed to find 3 of them...
101 Things NOT to say during sex ......
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1 This is your first time..right? Person 2 Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
H/T Beautiful World
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