Friday, 29 February 2008


To heck with copper or moly or niobium or germanium or gallium or arsenic,.............lets get some Governmentium.

New research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 5 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical level of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

H/T Peter Gunn


Anonymous said...

Just freakin' brilliant!

Nota reargunner said...

My jesus Theo.
Was this written by a 98 year old lady also?

Anonymous said...

Nice one Theo

killemallletgodsortemout said...

Little known fact:
the central core of government in the UK is known in scientific circles as thievingrottencuntius, or The Brown Moron.

Cargosquid said...

I am so stealing, uh, borrowing this. Pay no attention to the very similar post over at UCV. Outstanding.
Of course with all due credit.

Jeremy Jacobs said...

You got a mention on Iain Dale's blog

Bill Quango MP said...

Dear Professor Spark,

Having read of your excellent work on Governmentium we here at the Schardenfreude Institute in Berlin would wecome your views on some parallel research we have been conducting.

It appears there is an even thicker material which has 785 particles. There is an extremely large quantity of Administratium present in this new element.
The Protons {positives] are outnumbered very heavily by the Electrons [negatives].
The Electrons are very unusual in that their negative charge is double a normal electron so we decided to call them NullElections or if you prefer from the Greek ReFerendeums.

Professor, like all atoms these would like to attain electrion configurations like Noble Gases and either

1 lose electrons
2 share electrons
3 gain electrons

But in the case of this atom whether there is a NullElections, ReFerendeums or NullReFereneums or shared elections the effect on The Centre Nucleus remains the same.

There is never is any change or movement whatsoever.

It is most perplexing.
The Isodopes appear at first glance to be Radioactive, and "Radiate" energy but on closer inspection the Isodopes are completely inert.

We call this Dense, Inert Gas
Eunion, chemical formula, EU

Any help you can give us here would be most valuable.

Professor Zeitgeist
Schardenfreude Institute