I’m confused:

I used to think I was just a regular person, but I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual, which now makes me a homophobe.

I was baptised a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.

I am retired, which makes me useless.

I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I acquired a fair education without student loan debts and little or no debt, which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever.

I believe in the defence and protection of my country and I honour those who served in the Armed Forces, which now makes me a right wing-militant.

Please help me come to terms with the new me, because I'm just not sure who the hell I am anymore!
As if all this nonsense wasn’t enough to deal with, now I’m not even sure which toilet to go into!

 

H/T Old Dude