Thursday, 24 January 2008
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Golf Joke
This morning, one of my regular golfing days, I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car and proceeded to back it out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio for a few minutes and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered huskily, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
She sleepily replied, 'I know. Can you believe my husband is out golfing in that shit?'
H/T Jeffrey Nihart
Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKYS. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN
PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
H/T Nebraska Bob
Wednesday, 23 January 2008
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anaesthetist
4. Cinnamon
5. Chrysanthemum
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
01. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
02. Nope, no more booze for me.
03. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
04. MacDonalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
07. I'm not interested in fighting you.
08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
H/T 45 Govt
THOUGHTS FOR TODAY
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
H/T Shelly
News....
No going back to Iran, Aylar. That is one immigrant we will be happy to keep!
Libya key transit for UK-bound migrants. Prepare to repel boarders!!
France bans Britain's migrant X-ray scanner... because it might breach health and safety. No scan no entry.
British mosques are more extreme than ours in Baghdad, warns Iraq's deputy PM. Shut them down.
75,000 violent crime suspects set free to reduce prison overcrowding. Bring back the death penalty. That should reduce ovecrowding.
Guilty of attacking two burly policemen, the 82-year-old with arthritis who has to walk with a stick. The Police have become a waste of space.
Russia rattles its depleted sabre in the Atlantic. A bit more of Putin's willy waving. Someone should get him some viagra.
Lacklustre Fred Thompson quits, leaving the rest to battle for evangelical vote. Oh bugger.
Richard Warman: not a racist -- he just plays one on the internet
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2008 Summer Olympics
President Felipe Calderón of Mexico has announced Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics. He stated, "Casi cada uno que puede fun cionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del paÃs."
Translation: "Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."
H/T Shelly
Tuesday, 22 January 2008
A great cause.....please support if you can.
Meet Killemallletgodsortemout's gorgeous step-daughter, Donna Adams. On 24th Jan 2008, she is going to be cycling from Vietnam to Cambodia (500KM!!) to raise money for C.O.S.M.I.C (Children of St. Mary's Intensive Care). The unit treats children from the South East, London and the Home Counties who are suffering from life threatening conditions such as meningitis, meningococcal septicaemia and pneumonia.
Why? She is making the trip to raise cash for the medical unit which treated her nephew when he suffered a life-threatening condition so rare it affects just 300 people a year in the UK.
Her goal is to raise £4000.00 ($8K), and she is just shy of that amount. So, generous readers, if you have a few extra $$'s or ££'s, please lend your support... it's a very good cause.
You can support her HERE
H/T Lady Jane
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The Punch and Judy Show....
Neither of these idiots is fit to hold Public Office. It's going to get dirtier and nastier as the months go by.
FREE 2008 HOOTERS calendar!
Excellent for the garage, jobsite, toolbox or anywhere else you enjoy viewing nice hooters for that matter. Just click on it and copy.
H/T Nebraska Bob
News...
Brown skips key EU treaty Commons debate. What do you expect from a gutless prick, when he sees what the markets are doing he will find an excuse to stay away longer.
Diamonds? Gold? Old hat! Tractors are the thief’s holy grail. Always been a problem in the Fens.Farmers should have the right to shoot trespassers and ramblers without warning.
Stunned Armed Forces veterans have been ordered to give back a staggering £1.7million in pension overpayments. WTF the MOD as per it's usual imcompetance.
'It's not safe to walk the streets after dark', admits Home Secretary skewered in kebab farce. How the hell did we end up with this stupid tart in charge?
Share prices take the biggest fall since 9/11 - yes, this is starting to look like a recession. Here it comes. Meltdown.
The test that's letting in one migrant every three minutes (and could you pass it?) Britain is finished!!
Nato 'must prepare to launch nuclear attack'. NATO, they mean Britain and the US. Our so called NATO allies are next to bloody useless.(except the Canucks)
Wisdom for those Over 50...
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: "I remember these."
H/T Nebraska Bob
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Monday, 21 January 2008
Extremely Early Bedtime Totty....
..after 24 hours in London I need an early night. Normal service will resume tomorrow.
This IS the quote of, maybe, the century!!!
'The Hero of Chappaquiddick' speaks.
Ted Kennedy on why he supports amnesty for those sneaking across the Rio Grande .
H/T Canis 61
The Bullshitter....
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullshittin' me! "
The social worker said, " Yeah, well .. . you started it."
H/T LG Toles
