Theo Spark

Monday, 10 March 2008

They didn't have to die. Heads must roll at the MOD starting with this one.

Schoolchildren could swear allegiance to Queen under new 'Britishness' plans. About bloody time too.

Zapatero stays Spanish PM as Socialists win. The 'Campesinos' stick with the cowardly poof.

John Nichol backs Bomber Command memorial. Great idea as is the Battle of the Atlantic Memorial.

'Germanic' sunbed row hits P&O cruise ship. Any excuse to post this classic ad!!

Britain's novice bosses 'ill-equipped' for slowdown. You think they are bad look at the idiot's in Whitehall who have caused a lot of the trouble.

Strip search: camera that sees through clothes from 80ft away. This should show up some of the more interesting piercings!!

A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes.......................BOOM!!!

A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.

'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammad?'

'No' replies the old man, 'I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.

'But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it.' With this he carries on climbing up the stairs.

After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard.

'Excuse me sir' he says 'Are you Mohammad?'

'No' replies the old man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammad is further up the stairs'.

'But this is amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammad is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!!' With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.

'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammad?'

'No' replies the old man, 'I am God.'

'But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammad is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!!'

'You look tired my son' said God 'would you like to sit down and rest a while?'

'Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you.'

The bomber sits down and God says 'You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of tea?'

'Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most thirsty, thank you.'

With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts..........................

'Yo, Mohammad, two teas over here, and make it snappy!!'

A dog is truly man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!

H/Ts to everyone who sent this in.

Sunday, 9 March 2008

Bedtime Totty Contest: Which is hotter?

Anyone else think this will not be as bad as predicted....

Britain Braced For Savage Storm. The weather bods seem to go for the doom and gloom scenario every time and seem to get it wrong more often than not.

Gift-wrapped

H/T Marcus Lehne

He's behind you....

Great guns...

Monty Python In LegoVision

Finally somebody has made Python funny.

Monty Python In LegoVision - Watch more free videos

Great ad....caution boobies.

Arrows and Angels..

..in Holland 2006. I had never seen them together before.

And the weather in Ontario yesterday was....

H/T Pete Hurrell who is going to need a bigger shovel!!

Ohio isn't a lot better...

H/T R H Hardin

The Sunday Best...

Al Qaeda Spies working for Met Police...Why doesn't this surprise me. The rush to recruit minority plods is bound to create things like this. A little more vetting and a little less PC nonsense.

Judge rules jail interview with Dog of War Simon Mann can be broadcast. Now this could be interesting...

Now ALL the major political parties say they will raise taxes on alcohol, as they battle to look the toughest on binge drinking. Assholes. They get cheap booze in the Commons while they screw us with tax hikes. Raise the drinking age not the taxes.

Speaker Michael Martin uses 319-year-old law to gag reports on the failing ID card scheme. Possibly the biggest prick in British politics.

Freemasons open a lodge at Buckingham Palace... but the Queen isn't amused. I have never met an honest Freemason. They should be banned from holding positions in the public sector.

Is it ok to park on this rock, sir?

The grapes of wrath. The middle classes need a proper hobby.

Drilling for oil to start in Falkland Islands. Now the Royal Navy may get some more money because Gordon Brown will want to protect this cash cow.

Calls for national Armed Forces Day. Nice idea. I have a better one. Double the Defence Budget.

Man arrested for 'having sex with lamp-post'. Murder someone and you are home free, but get jiggly with a lamp-post and it's the gallows.

Hunt is on for the "Civil Serf" demon blogger of Whitehall. Why bother the blog has disappeared.

British soldier awarded the Military Cross for fighting off 150 Taliban. A proper hero.

Hamas wages Iran’s proxy war on Israel. And they call this news. Hamas must be wiped out before they and Hizbollah lauch a join attack on Israel.

President Mugabe chooses Sudan and Libya as referees in election. Just kill the Marxist Monkey.

Oi, shoppers – that’s my petrol. Clarkypoos on plastic bags,and the new Fiat 500

Nobel winner: Hillary Clinton's 'silly' Irish peace claims. Stupid bitch.

Rural Britain remains another country. And we plan on keeping it that way. Pity the townies have to come and ruin it.

Huge european space truck races into orbit....

Real story here..

Sunday Totty...

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

H/T Jeffrey Nihart

Redneck Condo's...

H/T Don Emslie

Funny....

The IRS decides to audit Boudreaux, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Boudreaux shows up with his attorney. The IRS had demanded $23,000 in taxes from Boudreaux due to unreported income.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Boudreaux. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Boudreaux says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Boudreaux removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Boudreaux says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Boudreaux isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Boudreaux removes his dentures and bites his good eye..

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Boudreaux's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Boudreaux asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Boudreaux stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Boudreaux's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Boudreaux told me he'd been summoned to appear in person before the IRS, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

H/T Thomas Harris

Saturday, 8 March 2008

Early Bedtime Totty....

...normal service will be resumed tomorrow.

Hornet Hygiene

U.S. Navy Deck Johnny Waldemar Martinez cleans the canopy of an F/A-18 Super Hornet on the flight deck of the USS Harry S. Truman, under way in the Persian Gulf, March 5, 2008. Martinez is assigned to Strike Fighter Squadron 11. U.S. Navy photo by Petty Officer 3rd Class Ricardo

H/T Mark Scott

This should be on our shopping list...

Bentley Continental GT Speed by Zagato

North Korea part 3

Hangover Totty....

Which will Britain keep longer: The Rock or the Royal Navy?

H/T Wilky

Buffalo Theory of Intelligence

In one episode of "Cheers", Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this .

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first . This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

H/T Jeffrey Nihart

Funny Answer to a dumb question

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore

H/T Nebraska Bob

Friday, 7 March 2008

Lady Jane's Bonus Bedtime Totty..

Her name is Barbara Borges for those who fancy a good Google

Bedtime Totty...

Phoenix Landing

An AH-64 Apache attack helicopter lands in Forward Operating Base Normandy, Diyaloa province, Iraq, Jan. 17, 2008, after returning from a mission in support of Operation Iron Harvest. Apaches provide close air support for ground troops. Photo by Spc. John Crosby, 115th Mobile Public Affairs Detachment.

H/T Mark Scott