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Tuesday, 27 May 2008
Iraq update....
Hezbollah 'to back Iraq resistance'. Ok this is technically not new news, but at least it is now official. And as Hezbollah is sort of by proxy part of the Iranian military can we assume that Iran is 'happy' to acknowledge that they too are openly supporting the terrorists. Probably not.
News....
Motorist told flag could be racist. Well that f**ks this website!!!!
What's the difference between MPs' expenses and stealing? Is there such a thing as an honest politician anymore?
Health and safety zealots tell youngster her 2ft paddling pool needs a lifeguard. I think zealots is being polite!!
The crew of HMS Lusty let their hair down...the day after a visit from the Queen. I will be posting the next episode of Lusty's adventures in a day or so.
The British bulldog growls and the French lift their blockade on boats in Cherbourg siege. It's not quite Trafalgar but we will take any victory over the Frogs.
How Britain is about to be invaded by tiger mosquito carrying 20 diseases. Bring back DDT.
Special Met unit to root out corrupt prison officers. And who is going to root out the corrupt police officers.
Taliban turn to Iraq-style tactics to take Kabul districts. I don't doubt for one second that they are getting help for Iran as well.
Six-year-olds sexually abused by UN peacekeepers. It is time for us to leave the UN. It causes more death and suffering than the wars it is supposed to stop.
Iran withheld nuclear secrets from UN inspectors. No Shit!!!!
Spyplane shooting by Russia was 'act of war' on Georgia. Oh good the UN is involved! Expect all out war by Christmas!!
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Monday, 26 May 2008
The German and the Tart
A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, ' I vish to buy sex vit you'
'OK' says the girl, 'I'll charge 100 Euros an hour'
'Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky'
'No problem' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant you to tie ze springs to your handz und kneez.' The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.
'Now pleez you vill get on your handz and kneez.' She duly does this,
balancing on the springs.
'You vill please blow zis duck caller as I make love to you.' She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
The sex is fantastic. The energetic German bounces her all over the room, all the time with her honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps 'That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?'
Wait For It....................................................
'Ah', says the German, 'Four-sprung duck technique'
H/R AJD Shootist
News...
Mr and Mrs expenses: MP couple get £175,000 for a flat ... and their house is just 30 minutes away. Socialists always get their snouts in the trough.
The bunting ban: Flags that fluttered over village parties for a century snagged in health and safety red tape. We need to get rid of 'health and safety'. A little common sense never hurt anybody, although stupidity does keep the gene pool protected.
A quarter of workers 'face ruin if they lose their jobs'. Blame the banks because they encouraged everybody to get into debt for their own profit.
Colombian guerrilla leader 'Sureshot' reported to have died. He must be really Farc-ed off
Robert Mugabe threatens to expel US envoy from Zimbabwe. Boot him out, then Dubya can bomb the s**t out of Mugabe!!!! 1 airstike should do it.
Royal Navy and Marines are 'forgotten heroes'. Not here they are not.
Prison officers fear that Muslim inmates are taking over control. Well get control back. Lock the f*kers down 24/7 in sound proof cells.
International forces blur mission lines in Kosovo. When you have the EU and UN involved you will always get a balls up.
Jimmy Carter says Israel had 150 nuclear weapons. Possibly the first 'honest' thing Carter has said in years. I wonderif will get the urge Israel to reduce it's nuclear arsenal by relocating a few to Iran.
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ELK Crossing.....
H/T Shelly and JM Heinrichs for identifying the big brown furry things with pointy bits!!!
THE JEWISH ROWING TEAM....
Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours everyday, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.
Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team.
So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practices. After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva.
"Well, I figured out their secret", he announces.
"What? Tell us! Tell us!" his teammates shout.
"We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row."
H/T Shelly
Sunday, 25 May 2008
Prepared for Flight
U.S. Navy Sailors prepare an E-2C Hawkeye for a mission aboard the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, Persian Gulf, May 15, 2008. The Sailors are maintenance personnel assigned to the "Sun Kings" of Airborne Early Warning Squadron. U.S. Navy photo by Petty Officer 2nd Class James R. Evans.
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 157 years ago?
1. California became a state.
2. The state had no electricity.
3. The state had no money.
4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
5. There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
H/T Shelly
The Sunday Best.......
Scores of British sailors trapped for days after French fuel protesters lay steel cable across harbour. Send in the Navy.
Church is not doing enough to convert UK Muslims, says bishop. Nice idea. Pity it's probably too late.
Jersey police failed to reveal that tested 'skull' was coconut. Send for Bergerac!!!
Wogan ponders Eurovision future after latest UK flop. He should pack it in. Eurobollocks used to be a laugh but it has been wrecked by the Eastern Europeans. The UK should also stop funding the bloody thing because without Wogan and UK dosh there is no Eurovision.
Iran 'paid Iraq insurgents to kill UK soldiers'. How many more US and UK troops have to be killed by 'Iran' before we clobber the bastards?
Hauliers to drive message home with fuel protest over rising cost. Here we go again.
Tsvangirai promises a rude shock for Mugabe. Mugabe would rather destroy Zimbabwe then relinquish power.
Titanic search a cover for submarine mission. There is usually a military reason for most things.
Pirate attacks around the world rise by 20pc. You can't have a pirate story without 'Pugwash'.....
Burma junta to demand aid. And we should demand democracy.
David Miliband is ready to save new Labour. From what?
Barack Obama wants Bill to heal Hillary Clinton wounds. And I want Bill to put a pillow over her face, we can all dream!!
Robert Mugabe flew to Far East for secret tests for prostate cancer. One little missile is all it would take.
Paris during Nazi occupation was ‘one big romp’. It seems that French women took about as long to 'surrender' as their men folk.
Ex-para aims to be a big noise with 25-mile leap. Good Luck. Bloody Nutter.
BBC placed on dirty list for ‘propping up’ Burma junta. Add it to the list of BBC balls ups.
and finally the Clarkypoos bit.
I was assaulted by a Japanese loo. The Banzai Bog!!
Two stories that sum up modern Britain....
Harry Potter actor, 18, is stabbed to death in brawl outside bar. Whatever happened to Law and Order?
Sex swap para given £250k for hurt feelings. Get your bollocks blown off by a landmine and it's 'tough luck'. Get them whipped of with a scalpel and it's payday. The MOD is an effing joke.
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Questions for Hillary...
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is?
'Kenneth.'
'And what is your question, Kenneth?'
'I have three questions:
First - Whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?
Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?'
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess. When they resume, Hillary says,
'Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a
question?'
A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
'Larry.'
'And what is your question, Larry?'
'I have five questions:
First - Whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?
Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
Fifth - What happened to Kenneth?'
H/T Don Emslie
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