Tuesday, 4 March 2008
Blogs of the day......
..a couple of my contributors have started their own blogs so please pop by and check them out.
Liberty Peak Lodge and
Liberal Guy
News...
'Every teenager in my borough has been mugged, says MP. Street crime is out of control.
Teenage binge drinking 'epidemic'. Raise the drinking age to 21. Any shop found selling booze to minors should lose their licence.
Home office alcohol tsar boasts of drinking on website as Labour proclaims 24-hour drinking a partial success. Piss head. Bit like the rest of them.
Barack Obama's credibility called into question.I didn't know he had any!!
Morgan unveils 'world's first green sportscar'. Good old Morgan, it's about the only car maker we have left. It's amazing what you can knock up in your garden shed.
UN approves fresh sanctions against Iran. And a fat lot of good they will do.
Rural poverty 'forgotten' by Government. Labour hates the countryside and those who live in it.
American attack targets al-Qa'eda in Somalia. Nice one.
Iraq ripe for Iranian domination. We have left Iran unchallenged for too long. It's now or never.
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The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!!'
H/T Judy
Monday, 3 March 2008
Early Bedtime Totty....
The good news is that I will be blogging full time for the rest of this week!
JEWISH ICE CREAM
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel in the following flavours:
Wailing Wallnut
Moishemellow
Mazel Toffee
Chazalnut
Oy Ge-malt
Mi Ka-mocha
Bernard Malamint
Berry Pr'i Hagafen
Choc-Eilat Chip
Simchas T'Oreo
It should be noted that all of these flavors come in either a cup or a Cohen.
H/T Judy the hottest creplach I know.
A lesson for us all....
Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released
me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman
in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO SH*T." He said, "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in
genies?"
H/T Judy
Breaking news..and the only really great news today.
The guys at You Strip have upgraded their site. In my opinion this is one of the best sites out there, and it's kinda SFW. Better not show the boss though.
Light news....
Ordinary families would get £100 a week MORE benefits if they lived apart. Welcome to benefit Britain.
Protesters stage demonstration at Parliament as poll shows 88 per cent want a referendum on EU treaty. We won't get one. We don't even get to choose our PM anymore.
Dmitry Medvedev vows to emulate Vladimir Putin after election landslide. Expect more of the same bull from the Russians.
UK troops in Basra face fresh insurgent threat. Time to go back on the offensive.
Hugo Chavez sends tanks to Colombia border. Here we go. Just the excuse needed to take this bum down.
Man asks friend to shoot him to avoid work. Pity Gordon Brown hasn't had the same idea.
A little wisdom....
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
H/t Franklin Hill
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Sunday, 2 March 2008
Up with the Sun...
U.S. Air Force Lt. Col Geoffrey Maki, a pilot assigned to the 23rd Expeditionary Fighter Squadron, waits to depart Balad Air Base, Iraq, Feb. 21, 2008. Maki is deployed from Spangdahlem Air Base, Germany. U.S. Air Force photo by Senior Airman Julianne
H/T Mark Scott
Earthquake update...
I received this awful picture of the utter devastation experienced by one family last week, when the earthquake struck several thousand square miles of our green and pleasant land.
I understand that the house owners are in deep shock, and that they have already filed for compensation under emergency rules announced by the Home Secretary today.
My thoughts are with everyone concerned, and I sincerely hope that the battle to restore order will continue apace, until we can all breathe a sigh of relief, and move on.
H/T Mark Scott
Question of the Day....
Which is bigger: The USMC or the British Military ?
Basically if you lined them all up on the dockside who has the biggest number of troops, tanks, planes, helos and ships etc. This is to highlight what a decade of Labour's deliberate neglect has done to our Armed forces. I love the USMC for who they are and their proud traditions but I would like to think that the British Military is bigger in terms of numbers. I will try and find all the figures if I can. Anyone who can help with the figures please leave a comment.
Update: Anyone got the figures for the US National Guard? Please please tell me that the RAF has more planes than the Air National Guard.
Update2: Hell in a Handbasket has some figures that make interesting reading.
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The Sunday Best...
Prince Harry calls on Jamie Oliver to sort out Army's 'miserable' rations. Sod Jamie Oliver get Delia on the job.
Prince Harry: The Army post is pants - I was miffed when dad's Christmas card got here in February. Will the government take notice of what he says. No chance. The military need more of everything and hopefully Harry can get things moving. He should write a shopping list for our boys and see that it is filled.
PM offers key job to banker who didn't notice that her secretary had stolen £1m. Considering how must money Gordon Brown has 'lost' she sounds perfect for the job.
21 companies paid £2.7m to run secret limousines for Ministers. Let the bastards walk.
'9/11 attacks made up, ' says French best actress Oscar-winner. That's one way to destroy your career. Stupid bitch.
Britain has lost its way, says Archbishop. Lost is a bloody understatement.
Iran dissident defies jail fighting for equality. A brave woman.
Russia prepares to elect Dmitry Medvedev. The same way we 'elected' Brown.
Planeloads of cash prop up Mugabe. Will someone kindly shoot the bastard.
American jails hold quarter of world’s inmates. I am glad someone still locks up their criminals.
Bleep off, you’re driving me mad. Clarkypoos on modern technology andLook, you traffic wombles, I’ve had enough. the chaos that are roads have become.
99 Words For Boobs....absolutely brilliant video. Great song too.
You must watch this.
99 Words For Boobs - Watch more free videos
A parable of modern times....
In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The British Government beat me to it."
H/T Will Likka
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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, " Check for squirrel and centepedes."
H/T 45 Govt
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