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Wednesday, 16 April 2008
You might be friom Flori-Duh if:
..You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.
..A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
..Your winter coat is made of denim.
..You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
..Anything under 70 is chilly.
..You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.
..You could swim before you could read.
..You have to drive north to get to The South.
..You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.
..You think New York drivers licenses should only be valid in New York .
..Flip-flops are everyday wear.
..Shoes are for business meetings and church.
H/T Shelly
A USMC sniper was real good at his job, and he had a method.
He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, BANG -one less insurgent! After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"
However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go, sir."
"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"
"Well, sir, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a Bitch!' I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"
H/T Peter Gunn
Tales from the Deep South....
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, "Got any I. D.?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
H/T Shelly
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News Story of the Day......
Marine life flourishes at Bikini Atoll test site. See. Nuclear explosions are good for the environment!!!! We could turn Iran into an eco-paradise!!!
and this one seems to have slipped by most of the MSM....
Brigitte Bardot on trial for Muslim slur. Way to go! And I thought she had lost her marbles.
News...
Straw told he cannot block release of most dangerous robbers, rapists and paedophiles. Anyone remember the TV show The Equaliser'. If the government are not going to deal with criminals then it must be left to private enterprise!!!!
A Living Lie. A good summary of Obama.
Downfall of a decent clan: What the Shannon family reveals about the social breakdown of Britain. I think some serious sterilization is needed. We have an under-class of lazy, ignorant people who feed off the state and serve no useful purpose. Time to get rid of them.
Prince William flies multi-million pound RAF Chinook helicopter to cousin's Isle of Wight stag do... and picks up Harry on the way. And why not. Given the chance we would all do the same and you can get a lot of beer in a chinook. I bet that not one of the people who criticise him for this have ever served their country.
RAF flying instructor terrorised golf fans by flying low over the Open to impress student. 400ft is not terrorising. Now 50ft would have been more imprsessive.
A top obstetrician on why men should NEVER be at the birth of their child. A man's place during the birth of his offspring is down the pub with his mates. Giving birth is woman's work so let them get on with it in peace.
Vitamin pills 'increase risk of early death'. So does smoking, drinking and shagging with the Sergeant-Majors wife!!!!
Gordon Brown seeks Wall Street help on the economy. With any luck they will tell him to f**k off. He wrecked our economy and must be mde to pay for it.
Robert Mugabe's terror victims tell of beatings. Does anyone have the balls to do something about this?
Nato making mistake in Afghanistan, warns Turkish minister. Only an idiot would trust an effing Turk.
Thousands to have usual credit lines cut off. It's payback time for all those people who have been living off their houses rising value. I have no sympathy for these people.
Thabo Mbeki will be taken to task by UN over crisis in Zimbabwe. Nail the bastard. Then send in the troops.
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The Preacher's Salary
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided
to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd.
"Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said.
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen.."
H/T Jeffrey Nihart
HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?
I was testing the children in my Newfoundland Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, 'Then how can I get into Heaven?'
A six-year-old Newfie boy shouted out, 'YOU GOTTA BE F*CKIN DEAD.'
H/T Ted Foster
Tuesday, 15 April 2008
Woe, Woe and Thrice Woe....
PM 'can't cope with crisis'. He can't cope when it's not a crisis either. He is a shining example of why socialism died!
Clearly Canadian.......
Believe it or not these questions and answers about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto. Can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die of?
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked..
Q:Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
H/T Canis 61
The Archbishop of Canterbury has finally got his way...
British weather has been declared Muslim...
It's partly Sunni, but mostly Shiite...!!!
H/T Killem
Blog bits.....
Marilyn Flick. Jules on the Marilyn Sex Tape.....which will never see the light of day. Well, not this week anyway!!
Maggie's have a great ketchup recipe. I refuse to buy any Heinz products and have done for ages.
and Blog of the Day
What's the RPG type thingy?
U.S. Army Sgt. Nathaniel Patterson, of 320th Battalion, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division, helps secure a street with other U.S. Soldiers during a mission in Mahmudiyah, Iraq, March 30, 2008. (U.S. Army photo by Spc. Richard Del Vecchio)
News....
Harry Army hero gets MRSA. Our troops are safer in Afghanistan and Iran than a British Hospital. Effing disgraceful.
House prices are falling at the fastest rate for 30 years - and there's worse to come, say agents. Even a Stuka didn't dive this fast.
Now the shopping crunch: Food prices soar at fastest rate for 17 years. No s**t. I have noticed that the supermarkets are also hiking the prices of non food products. Tesco's profit figures show where their loyalties lie. Screwing both the suppliers and customers is very profitable.
Iraqi teenager wins record £2m compensation after he was accidentally shot by a British soldier. What next? Compensating the Zulus for stress caused at Rourke's Drift!!!! In war civilians get killed and injured. In fact I am not sure you can win a war without killing thousands of civilians.
How Mark Speight's body was undiscovered for six days - just two floors above a police office. This is a public tranport terminus. What sort of security shambles are they running!
An entire village turns against supermarkets and grows its own food. 'Dig for Britain'.
Gordon Brown's spending on spin hits £1.75m. And a fat lot of good it has done him. I would want my money back.
MDC activist killed as Zimbabwe court rejects votes plea. The first of many who will die while we stand by. At least the readers of this blog have the right idea.
Robert Mugabe must be brought to his knees...and executed!
Kidnapped British journalist Richard Butler rescued by Iraqi army. He was probably kidnapped by them as well!!
'Privatise Royal Mail and parts of BBC'. Sell the News and Current Affairs Department to me.
Afghan troops told to lay down trusty AK47s. Good.
So who's this President Norman Brown guy? Littlejohn on Brown's visit to the US.
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper.
Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news here is so much better!"
H/T Shelly
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Norfolk, NE.
After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, Florida scientists found traces
of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their Florida ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Floridians in the weeks that followed, Texas scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the Dallas Times newspaper read: 'Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Floridians '
One week later, the Norfolk Daily News, a local news paper in Norfolk , NE.,
reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 yards in corn fields near Battle Creek, NE, Larry the Cable Guy, a self-taught archaeologist and dyed-in-the-wool Husker fan, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Larry has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Nebraska had already gone wireless.'
H/T Nebraska Bob
Wow....
The east side of the Carrizo plain, in the TemblorRange, about 50 miles due west of Bakersfield,California. Photo taken May 14, 2007.Nothing man can do could ever equal the glory ofGod's creations.
H/T AJD Shootist
Little Johnny on Politics.....
A teacher in Elmira, New York, who is an Obama supporter, asked her 4th grade class, "How many of you are Obama fans?"
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different? Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."
H/T Don Emslie
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