Saturday, 26 April 2008
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! 'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. 'I'm dying over here and you're putting?'
'Don't worry dear', says the husband calmly, 'they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you'.
'Well how long will it take for him to get here', she asks feebly?
'No time at all', says her husband. 'Everybody's already agreed to let him play through'.
H/T Ted Foster
Geek School is in session.....
Dr. Mercury's Computer Corner: Lesson 3 - System Backup. These are very handy lessons.
News....
Dimbleby accused of Question Time bullying and bias against Boris. He has been biased for a long while.
Now prison offices say call girls are smuggled in and they admit some jails have 'no go areas'. Lock the prisoners up 24 hours a day and only give them bread and water.
Three bitten by rabid dog. Well if you will get too close to Cherie!
Real reason Syrian base was wiped off the map. Great strike.
Zimbabwe forces arrest hundreds in MDC raids. And so it continues.
'Vulgar' cheerleaders face ban in India. They are more than welcome over here.
James May: Small is beautiful.
Terror suspect who won court battle is named as a ‘top al-Qaeda agent’. Stop messing about and shoot the bastard.
UN move on Robert Mugabe as police raid MDC. And a fat lot of good it will do.
Luck of the Irish saved Afghan patrol. A good result.
Spain's military banned from websites showing models or giving sports results. The spanish have a military!!!!
Do not fight Iraqi forces, Hojetoleslam Moqtada al-Sadr tells followers. That won't save his ass.
Rory-friendly guide to invisible Cabinet. Clarkypoos on the cabinet. V funny.
Ignore the end of the world. Clarkypoos on the climate.
Beckham jersey leads to legal threats... between kids? A clip round the ear should solve this.
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Friday, 25 April 2008
Dear anonymous...
..you have a habit of leaving insulting comments while I am asleep which I have deleted. If you want a debate I will give you one but only when you have the balls to get an identity. This blog is a team venture and we will be happy to 'debate' with you but only if you have a name. As for the rest of the anonymouses your comments and input are welcome.
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Safe Sex!!!!
A young college fellow goes to the infirmary and asks for an appointment. "I've been reading a lot of stuff these days and I am really concerned about this "Safe Sex" stuff."
The Doc responds, "You are smart to do so, son. "Tell me what precautions you take now."
"Well sir," he responds, "I use three condoms, wear plastic gloves and a face mask."
"Wow,", says the Doctor, "That sounds pretty safe to me. What does your partner do?" ......
a bit of a silence and then the response ....... "Partner??"
H/T HJ
A Canuck Sunset...
...let's not forget that the Canucks have taken some hits in Afghanistan! It would be nice if some of our so-called NATO Allies would bother to turn up!!
Nebraskan logic......
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said, 'Implants?' She hit me!
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and over fifty for Miss America.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it..... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting!
H/T Nebraska Bob
Playing tag with an Alaskan style....
We posted the stills of this a couple of weeks ago but this is fun....
Late brief news.....
Life On Mars? No, it's Brown's Britain. And he has wrecked it.
Madeleine: 'We made a mistake and we would never leave the children again,' says Gerry McCann. No shit! I have avoided the whole Madeleine thing so far but this is stating the bloody obvious. Why no babysitter?
Archbishop of Canterbury demands salary cap for super-rich in scathing attack on Britain's 'spiralling debt economy'. That's it blame the rich! Man's a bloody wanker.
Patio heaters banned at Chelsea Flower Show because of global warming fears. Oh crap!
The men in black vanish and Basra comes to life. What a turnaround. Last week the press were reporting that the Iraqi Army had been routed!!
Zimbabwe police in election raids. The rigging continues. Without outside force the Zimbabweans are doomed.
TOXIC - Garbage Island - Part 12 of 12
Feedback required: VBS asked me to post their North Korea vids and I did. Since then I have posted a selection of their stuff. I would like to know a)did anyone watch them and b) what did you think?
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El camino del Rey......One hell of a walk.
There is no effing way you will get me up there without a parachute.
H/T Peter Gunn
ANZAC Day......
Redgum - I Was Only 19 (1983)
Nourishing Obscurity has a good piece. ANZAC day Gallipoli - april 25th, 1915
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Oat Bran Muffin and Two Eggs......
A group of old farmers used to gather in a cafe every morning to eat breakfast and drink coffee. They always had the same waitress and developed a good natured banter with her. Farmer Warren always ordered an oat bran muffin and two eggs for breakfast. Well, one morning farmer Warren was late. As she was pouring coffee for the others, the waitress said, we are out of oat bran muffins so Warren will have to order something different
A minute later Warren arrived. The waitress flounced over and haughtily told Warren, "I just had to scratch what you want."
Without missing a beat, warren replied, "That's OK. Go wash your hands and bring me an oat bran muffin and two eggs!"
H/T Nebraska Bob
The lads are getting some publicity at last....
There's no-one as Irish as Barack O'Bama! This song needs all the publicity it can get because it's fun.
Rules of the west, except California...
Rules of Colorado , Utah , Texas , Wyoming , Kansas , Idaho, Arizona, New Mexico
South Dakota, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:
1) Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2) Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
3) Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4) They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-80 goes east and west, I-25 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one.
5) So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6) Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7) If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8) Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9) The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10) We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
11) No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12) When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Maybe, garlic.
13) Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
14) You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15) College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
16) Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
17) Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.
18) We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines than all of you put together, so don't mess with us. If you do, you'll get whipped by the best.
19) Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
H/T DJ Elliott
Thursday, 24 April 2008
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It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. ..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
'We can't drive.'
'Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.'
H/T Jeffrey Nihart
Carter says Secretary Rice "not telling truth". I wasn't aware Carter was acquainted with the concept of 'truth'.
H/Ts Shelly & Mark Scott
How low can you go....
...anyone who has more low stuff, bung it over because we haven't had any low flying for a while.
Funny story of the day.....
Rogue Gunner has posted probably the funniest thing I have read all day. You must check it out!! He is probably Britain's Best Mil-blog.
A nice story....
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
H/T Jackie Gedling
News....
Saddam Hussein's ally Izzat Ibrahim al-Duri 'captured' in Iraq. Looks like another length of rope is going to be needed.
Study: Masturbation May Prevent Prostate Cancer. So Gordon Brown is safe!!
Terror lawyer at fanatics rally. Boot the bitch out.
One million pupils set to be turned away from schools as teachers go on strike. The NUT has wrecked the British Education system with its bullshit socialist policies. Any teacher who strikes to day should be sacked and stripped of their pension. They won't be missed.
Bailed to murder: Gang of teenage hoodies kicked former soldier to death for £5 they wanted to spend on booze and drugs. Lynch them!
Panic at the pumps: Soaring petrol prices and fuel rationing introduced to prevent garage droughts. Nothing like a media driven panic!
John Prescott called Tony Blair a 'little s***' after he 'betrayed' Brown by refusing to step down from power. Possibly the only intelligent thing Prescott has ever said!!
UN troops overworked and outgunned in the badlands of Darfur. Without Anglosphere troops any UN force is a farce!
Robert Mugabe’s men seek coalition to run country until new poll. Why? They lost!
N Korea 'linked to Syria reactor'. Sadly I don't think the IAF can reach Pyong Yang.
Somalia's pirates face battles at sea. Somali pirates v USS Ronald Reagan should be fun to watch!!
Petraeus-Odierno Team Nominated to Lead in CentCom, Iraq . Keeping a great team together.
Hillary Clinton claims 'tide is turning' her way. Funny! King Canute had a similar idea!
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